Where and when is here and now, why is less clear.

Surrender

2009-07-08T10:18:00.000-07:00

This place in my heart that I keep just for me,
A place where I'm free to be all I can be,
Or that's what I thought until I found him there
and now all that I am, I would happily share.

By the time I decided I did not want to hide,
I let down my guard to find him already inside
and with no confirmed reason, no logical thought,
I surrendered to it and found all that I sought.

And now, looking back, I see I risked it all,
Closed my eyes, took a breath and then let myself fall
but while I was falling, his heart spoke to me
and said not to fear all that would set me free.

And now I have fallen, I would not change a thing,
I found peace in his arms and I let my heart sing
and the thing that I know you could not understand,
Is how he touched my soul when he reached for my hand.

I thought that it could wait

2009-07-08T09:05:00.001-07:00

I wish I could have shown I cared,
I thought that it could wait,
All the things we should have shared
but we left it far too late.

Regrets will never change the past
but I hope that you can hear me,
I'm glad that you're at peace at last,
Death, it seems, has set you free.

I was bitter, that's how it started,
I could not forgive the sin,
It's now too late, we have been parted,
My stubbornness would not give in.

Now I forgive and try to move on,
I'll find new ways to cope,
Life is hard now you are gone
but new life brings new hope.

Intrusive Society

2009-07-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

Trouble upon trouble upon trouble - piled as high as the highest mountain.
An immense tower reaching through the clouds trying to break free of this dimension, only to enter yet another, no better than the last.

Confusion -
The sickly fragrance worn by man, woman and indeed, everyone.

"Ignorance is bliss" - How true!

When you hurt, they laugh.
When you laugh, they plague you for some hidden sorrow, convinced that you are hiding your pain.

Life is a spiral of grievances, twisting out of the murky depths of a long forgotten youth.
The air chokes, the sunlight burns and the music deafens.

Nothing is sacred, not even your thoughts.
Your mind is explored until it bleeds from the sound of people infiltrating your memories - oblivious to your anguish.

No bolt is strong enough to keep out the enquiring minds of so-called friends, searching for the means to relieve their own guilt.

Swallow as the poisoned air reaches your lungs and you become paralysed, unable to think, talk or move.

A merciless ending to a bitter life.

Child Never Wanted

2009-07-08T08:37:00.001-07:00

What does it matter if I am in pain?
You're not affected - you stay the same,
I don't need your pity, I don't want you near,
I'm all alone, it's just me and the fear.

I'm not important, I don't matter - it's true,
You hurt me before, its all down to you
but it makes you look good when you're there for me,
My father, my carer, I have to break free.

You think that you're helping, you think I forgot,
The abuse that I suffered, the bruises I got
but they are not healing, I doubt that they will,
The scars are all mental, the kind that can kill.

And now it's all over, I'm out of your way,
I know I will hate you until my dying day
and then when I'm dead I will hate you some more,
The child never wanted lies dead on the floor.

Soul Corruption

2009-07-08T08:15:00.000-07:00

Midnight as she patrols the graveyard.
Hey eyes grow wide as her hunger grows.
Senses heighten as tombs open and she spots her prey - souls ripe enough to corrupt?

She violates their privacy to see their fading memories, forgotten sins and missed opportunities. A plethora of emotion available personally only at the very periphery of her awareness. Such a distant memory now but, wrong as she knows it is, her violation of these intimate moments sustains her... briefly. A memory of all that she took for granted and never appreciated.

A deep feeling of remorse haunts her unfilled lungs as she summons the last traces of life from the newly departed corpses. She watches the released souls move on.. to... wherever it is they go. Lives well lived, dreams and ambitions fulfilled, passing from this place to the next at peace, knowing that it was their time.

Death surrounds and engulfs her. Very occasionally, she will find such a soul as her, who will be trapped, cornered physically and emotionally but there is no escape, tonight or ever, and she has to accept that.

There is no possible release now. She longs for the death that she knows she can never have, for how can you die when you never truly lived.

Forever

2009-07-08T08:13:00.000-07:00

Hold my hand,
Walk along the sand,
Laughing in the sun,
Always having fun.

You and me,
In this place we're free,
Do not tell me never,
Say you'll stay with me forever.

Men Lie

2009-07-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

"I'll call you..." That means they wont,
"I love you..." Always means they don't,
You trust me but you wont let me in -
Heads or tails? Fuck it! I can't win...

"It's not you..." Means it blatantly is,
The problem is always yours, not his,
They treat you like a piece of shit
and all to make their 'image' fit.

And when they're through with playing games,
Of breaking hearts and calling names,
They say "I want you as a friend..."
but that is where it has to end.

Don't take the crap they put you through,
They seem so sweet, so pure, so true,
They'll fuck you up and leave you blue
and all because of "I love you".

They say it just to get you naked
and when they've had enough,
They move on to the next in line
but it was never love.

Too much grey

2009-07-08T08:01:00.000-07:00

I wish that my life were more clear cut,
That I wasn't forever stuck in this rut,
Making decisions without knowing why,
I sit with my head in my hands and I cry.

I am trying to make life easier for you
but I'm always wrong, whatever I do,
When I try to please one, the other's upset,
Nothing is worth the abuse that I get.

I wish that someone would help me with this,
I shoot for the goal, yet somehow I miss,
If only my life were coloured black and white,
With no choices to make, there would be no need to fight.

But I know that my wish will never come true,
So I'll carry on helping, that's all I can do
but just do me a favour, please try to see,
That when you two fight, in the middle - there's me!

Black and white? I have far too much grey,
I am trying to help so please hear what I say,
I'm not involved and though I do my best,
I can't do it all, you must do the rest.

So sit down together and talk it all through,
If you listen very carefully to the others' point of view,
You may find what you said was right all along,
It's the way that you said it that may have been wrong.

The real you

2009-07-08T07:11:00.000-07:00

You meant so much, you were my all,
You made me feel proud, you made me stand tall
but something that good is not made to last,
My dream turned into a nightmare so fast.

But we were happy, at least at the start,
I never believed fate would tear us apart,
I remember the day that I finally saw
that you'd never come back if you walked out the door.

My heart broke in two on that harrowing day,
Half forced you to go while half begged you to stay
but I have survived and now I move on,
The memories that haunted my dreams are long gone.

I guess I should thank you for all that I learned,
If you play with fire, you're going to get burnt,
It took me so long just to see the real you,
I would have left well alone if only I knew.

No regrets

2009-07-08T07:06:00.000-07:00

When I find where I belong,
When my life starts going wrong,
I will look around and see,
That is where I'm meant to be.

No more fighting, no more pain,
No-one driving me insane,
Only friends who care for me,
That is where I long to be.

I don't deserve the pain I feel,
I hope the scars will start to heal,
Because I want to live my life,
Free of trouble, free of strife.

I have a reason to forget,
No looking back and no regrets,
I have to start to live for now -
The challenge I face, is learning how.

Uphill Struggle

2009-07-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

She rushes around because she's running late,
All the things that she wants will just have to wait,
No time to relax - there's so much to be done
and she doesn't care that she's missing the fun.

She runs herself ragged so they can unwind
and everyone lets her - why would they mind?
but she soldiers on, though she's dead on her feet,
She's trying so hard but they've got her beat!

Yet nobody notices when she is not there,
Until something's not done, then they stand and they stare
and speak of her failure, they don't even try
to see all the reasons or understand why.

It can't all run smoothly when there's so much to do,
She cannot work miracles, if only they knew
that when she goes home, in the pale moonlight,
She carries on working long into the night.

So she still struggles on and asks for no thanks,
She keeps them all happy, right up through the ranks
and she carries on working long after the rest
but at least she can say that she's done her best.

Only you can set you free

2009-07-08T06:54:00.000-07:00

I've just been walking in the rain,
Hearing raindrops speak your name,
I wish that I could make you see
that only you can set you free.

I walked a hundred thousand miles
with every single pace,
Imprinted on each raindrop
was your sad and tortured face.

When you hurt I feel it too,
It makes me die inside,
I need to know what's killing you
and why you have to hide.

I cannot know how bad you feel
but I try to understand
and if one day, you're all alone,
by you side I'll stand.

I'm here for you, no matter what,
I hope you know it's true,
We made the link, we realised,
What's real is me and you.

Reality...?

2009-07-08T06:48:00.000-07:00

One day you're there, the next you're not,
You feared nothing, you had the lot
but a dream is shattered, a thought forgot
and then there's nothing, but, so what?!

You had the dream, you took the chance,
Not knowing that it would not last,
The world was yours for that split second
Until reality calls and beckons.

You drift, uncaring, day to day,
You thought you had it all your way
but as your life starts to go wrong,
You are left, and they are gone.

An empty frame on a nameless wall,
The truth hits hard as you start to fall,
What you had was not your dream -
Things are never what they seem.

The memories know best

2009-07-08T06:43:00.000-07:00

My heart beats faster, never slowing
and all the time the pain is growing,
I start to know you, start to trust,
Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust.

I take your hand, you lead the way,
I thought you'd leave but still you stay,
I know that you're not like the rest
but still the memories think they know best.

They will not let me give my heart,
In case, again, it tears apart,
For if I give you heart and soul,
You'd have the power and be in control.

I wish that it was not this way,
I wish that you were here to stay
but I will never be all yours,
My heart will stay behind closed doors.

You never really know

2009-07-08T06:37:00.000-07:00

You query my motives yet you never ask for an explanation.
You say you don't understand me but you mean to say that you don't know me, nor do you wish to.
You never make an effort and, I suppose, neither do I.
We say we are close but, in reality, our minds have never been so far apart, and yet we manage to live from day to day in each others' pockets.

We talk and laugh, yet we never make sense.
I know no more about you than I did yesterday, yet I know all that there is to know.
We are the best of friends and the worst of enemies.
We are flesh and blood, yet we act like strangers.

How can two people so alike, be so completely different?
How can two people who claim to know all, know so little?

The Upper Hand

2009-07-08T06:33:00.000-07:00

I don't cry for the father you became
but for the father you used to be,
You did the damage and I took the blame,
For all the things that they did not see.

It's amazing what happens behind a closed door
and the stories that room could tell,
An 8 year old child, face down on the floor,
Forced to endure, she still goes to hell.

The world is unfair if you choose to fight
and make it through the next day,
The naive glaces that say 'It's alright'
and it is if the pain goes away.

But now it's all over and I did not tell
but I also gained strength from the pain,
I'm stronger now that I've lived through the hell
but tell me, what did you gain?

My question to God

2009-07-08T06:29:00.001-07:00

My question to God is 'Why do you exist?'
'Why are you real?'
'What do you fix?'

You have no real meaning - you do no real good, and all of your 'teachings' are misunderstood.

I would ask God why there is no real meaning,
No lesson to learn while inside I am screaming,
For someone to love me, for someone to care,
I have so much to give and yet nothing to share.

I spend all my time wanting mental completeness,
Striving for sanity hidden in bleakness
but there is no real meaning, no secret to tell,
The truth that I face is that I am in hell.

The storm is over

2009-07-08T06:17:00.000-07:00

Clouds become heavy, skies become dark.
Little droplets descending, hit the ground and break free.
More and more join the first and soon they are indistinguishable, moulding and becoming one.
Animals run to find shelter, plants breathe a sigh of relief as they soak up the glistening spheres of moisture and all their goodness.

Heavy now...

As humans run, it hits them like arrows, wounding.

Heavier...

Now like sheets, penetrating even the most remote. Voices of thunder.
They scream as they make contact with the hard concrete and burst, creating tiny tremors.

The storm slows and the wind carries them.

Gentler...

The moisture feels pleasant against frowning faces.
The sun comes out and banishes any memory of the past shower.
People re-emerge from their hibernation and go about their duty.

The storm is over.

Hold me close

2009-07-08T06:10:00.000-07:00

Walk with me through a thunder storm,
Keep me safe and keep me warm,
Hold me close so I feel your heart
and tell me that nothing can keep us apart.

As I feel each raindrop hitting my face,
I know I've found home, with you, in this place
and nothing could ever convince me to go,
I want you to realise, I want you to know.

Now I have found you, I cannot go back,
To a life where all that I have here, I lack,
The struggle I'm facing every day,
Is finding the strength to just walk away.

Should we take the chance on these beautiful dreams?
Believing that everything is as it seems,
Or do we continue to live double lives
and hope that the love we are feeling survives.

I know you are scared because I feel it too,
I wish I could tell you the right thing to do
but no matter what happens, I want you to see,
You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

The nightmare truth

2009-07-08T05:29:00.000-07:00

a childs' Pale face
cAught out of place
the sombre look
that so many mistook

too real the dream
It made you scream
you'll share her fears
aNd taste her tears

you'll undersTand
yOu'll take her hand
you'll try to wake
but it's too late

you tRy to care
undo Many sins
you could not stand
what liEs within

she may be bitter
she may be twisted
but she Never had
her vicTims listed

call her dArk
caLl her morbid
All her life
it's been this sordid

a bRoken proMise
a shatteRed dream
time stand still
as yoU lose the theme

you were trIcked
wheN you thought her free
you've seen the nightmare
- her realIty

and when you wake
you'Ll stop and take
a Look around
at what yoU found

a Smiling face
no tension in place
the Innocent look
that so many mistOok

what you see
reflects what you are
i see more
thaN you by far

Without you

2009-07-08T05:22:00.001-07:00

Behind these walls that I build to be strong,
I felt I was drifting alone for so long,
I've waited forever for someone to see,
It's behind these eyes that you'll see the real me.

Little by little, and slowly at first,
I hope for the best and prepare for the worst,
I gave you no clues about how to break through,
Somehow I was sure you would know what to do.

I all seemed so simple, I couldn't have known,
How I would feel when our feelings were shown,
I thought we connected, your heart spoke to me,
It whispered three words that were not meant to be.

I know that I hurt you, I hurt myself too,
I couldn't believe that what you said was true
and now I'm alone without you by my side,
It's my fault I miss you, it's my fault it died.

I wish I knew then what I have now learnt,
Our souls were on fire and we both got burnt,
I can't change the past, I cannot forget
but my memories will always be laced with regret.

I have to let go now and let you move on,
My heart will ache more every day now you're gone,
I will miss you with every breath that I take
but to save you this pain, it's the choice that I make.

Hidden Depths

2009-07-08T05:14:00.000-07:00

Far away from the bustling crowd,
Stands a building, tall and proud
but when you look much deeper inside,
You see what the Institute has to hide.

Bent and buckled from constant misuse,
Paint is cracked and screws are loose
and deep within, out of sight, out of view,
You can see what is hidden from me and from you.

The outward illusion is far from the truth,
Just look a bit closer and you'll see the proof,
Foundations get weaker as day after day,
The weight of their burden starts to wear them away.

So things may not always be quite as they seem,
Look at the facts while you follow the dream,
Ensure that foundations can weather the storm
and slowly the strength and resilience forms.

Now you can build on your roots, you can grow
and one day, the fruits of your labour will show,
For every component, no matter how small,
Is needed to ensure that the structure stands tall.

The rarest of things

2009-07-06T11:12:00.000-07:00

If I said 'Thank you' would you wonder why?
Would you look back at times gone by
and try to uncover the things that you do,
The reason that I feel so safe around you.

You are the only person who has always been there,
With nothing to gain from showing you care,
With a hundred kind words and the gentlest touch,
That helps me to feel calmer and means so much.

When I need to escape from my life, from it all,
I know who to turn to, I know who I can call
and you always know just the right thing to say,
to drown out the thoughts that lead me astray.

I wish I could show you what a difference you have made,
You've seen me at my worst, and still you have stayed,
It's the rarest of things that I've found in you -
A friend I can trust in, a friend that is true.

Dedicated to Paul Adrian and Phyllis Quall - I love you both without measure

Night-time Tranquility

2009-07-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

I finally found peace in the middle of the night,
When all the world sleeps in the pale moonlight,
Though I know peaceful slumber will never touch me,
I am happy believing that it's meant to be.

It's a time when I can be on my own,
With no-one to shout and no-one to moan,
I can do what I want and no-one will care,
Take that from me, if you can - If you dare!

During sun-lit hours I will do as you say
and because of that you can ask what you may
but as soon as the sun slips out of view,
I do as I please and I forget about you.

I need my time when I am free of the chain
That Society uses to tie up my brain,
For if I didn't have that time just for me,
I would never be able to call myself free.

He Sleeps

2009-07-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

He sleeps.

His head lays rested on the ivory coloured pillow.
His hand, scratched and scarred from a hard days' work lay motionless next to his beautifully still and peaceful face.
The only motion is that of his chest, rising and falling, with each lingering breath.

Occasionally, he will stir and the sheet which covers his exhausted body will compensate and fall back into place.
As he sleeps, all the days' turmoil is forgotten and a reassuring calm replaces the tension once shown on his tired features.

His muscles relax and he begins to dream.
Soon he will wake and once more go about his daily routine and give no more thought to the tranquility of the night

But for now, he sleeps.

Death's Little Tease

2009-07-06T10:13:00.000-07:00

Death creeps up like a haunting shadow,
Waiting to prey on the weak and half dead,
No time for escape, He's lurking behind you,
Keep looking around you and watch where you tread.

They're waiting to see you, the next one in line,
You walk a bit faster, it isn't your time
but there's no escaping, there's no turning back,
You know the right answers, it's the questions you lack.

Your heart will beat faster, your body will ache
and just as you panic, your soul he will take,
You give up the fight as you fall to your knees,
Life hovers above you - Death's little tease.

Your last breath will linger, old wounds will sting
and now Death will move over, gliding on wings,
He sees you are suffering and laughs at your pain
Until you lie dead at the end of his game.

Come and Find Me

2009-07-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

I sometimes sit and wonder, what do I have to do?
To stop the little comments and the looks I get from you.
You think that I don't notice when you're talking down to me,
I know that I can't stop that, I only know one way to be.

Yet I'm so sick of always doing everything you way,
It never seems to matter what I do or what I say,
You disregard my feelings, you cannot even see,
The things that really matter, what is deep inside of me.

So if I cannot change myself and be like all of you,
I'll just keep breaking down the walls and hope that I get through
but I cannot see that happening until you are hearing what I say,
The things that make me like this don't just simply go away.

We're not so different, you and I - is it one in four they say?*
It could be you tomorrow, but I guess it's me today
and if tomorrow comes around and they all turn their back,
You may find what you could not give are now the things you lack.

So I guess I'll keep on talking until I turn a head or two,
I wont try to change your mind, that's something only you can do
but if you ever find that my world starts to merge with yours,
Come and fine me, I wont judge, I will not close my doors.

*Statistics show that one in four people suffer from mental health issues at some point in their lives

Always there, in the back of my mind

2009-07-06T08:03:00.001-07:00

I went for a walk with you today,
Remembered the things that you used to say,
Remembered that all-knowing look in your eye,
As you silently watched the world pass you by.

I looked to the stars as I cried silent tears
and I wondered why nothing is as it appears,
There were so many stars, tiny jewels in the sky
and I wished that we hadn't let time pass us by.

And of all of the stars that I see every night,
I find the most comfort in those that burn bright,
Though their energy fails and they slip from my view,
Their short-lived wonder reminds me of you.

I realise now that what you left behind,
Are the things that kept your free spirit confined,
I now understand why you had to go
but there's so many things that I still do now know.

I ask myself questions, but the answers I fear,
Would things be different if you were still here?
How can I be sure that you hear what I say?
I must wait - I will have all the answers one day.

So my memory of you is all that remains
but at least I know now you are free of your chains
and I know that you'll never leave me behind,
For you'll always be there, in the back of my mind.

She Walks Alone

2009-07-06T07:54:00.000-07:00

As you turn your back and a single tear falls,
Your dark angel starts to rebuild her walls,
She can never forget what it means to be her,
She must bury her feeling when they start to stir.

As she starts to leave, she cannot turn around,
Her part is over now your path has been found
and she has to accept, even after the fact,
That all that she gave you, is all that she lacked.

But this wasn't the first time, it wont be the last,
It just seems a shame it was over so fast,
And she knows it is selfish to be thinking that way -
The people she helps are not meant to stay.

So she has to remember, now that you can move on,
That a lesson learnt means a friendship gone,
And the lesson for her which each new day brings,
Is appearing to glide, even on broken wings.

The illusion is far more important you see,
The facade of what they need her to be,
If she can maintain that, no matter the cost,
She can still find her way to the ones that are lost.

If you ever need her, she's there by your side,
Her heart as your comfort - Her strength as your guide,
And she'll help you to find a path all your own,
Content in the knowledge that she walks alone.